Recently located scroll providing additional insight into life in the time of Jesus

These words were recently found on a parchment in a cave near Palestine (next to US Highway 84, down the road from Smith Ranch):

As the Summer did reach its searing peak, which the people didst fear and despise (for Factor 30 had not yet been invented), the people did become restless, as if desirous of frivolity.
And lo, Jesus looked upon the land, and he saw that the land was good, except for the brown parched areas where nothing except tares did grow. Then Jesus did look upon the people and sayeth unto himself “verily the people are a good people, however they have a fatal weakness that obliges them to wave flags and demand aerial tribute once a year in the Summer”.
So Jesus came across a tree, and laid his hands upon the tree, then raised his hands to the heavens and sayeth “oh Heavenly Father, wilt thou appease the masses with your great powers?”.
And as the Sun did set in the West (for it would look bloody silly if it set in the East, and would confuse the hell out of the sundial vendors, who would be forced to ask for yet more subsidies), the tree did transform into a large grove of strange devices resting in earthen tubes. And yeah verily, as darkness fell, the tubes did suddenly erupt into the air a collection of stars that filled the heavens with a multitude of lights and colors, which did greatly please the restless masses, who shouted and clapped their approval, although the shepherds were vexed, since their flocks did piss themselves with fear and stampede and trample all over arable land.

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