In case you ever wondered what Formula 1 drivers/teams/managers are really saying in all of those interviews and press conferences, here is a translation guide, courtesy of a number of F1 fans posting to the Autosport Forum. Additional insight at F1-Speak

"Honestly,..."
What I am about to say is absolutely false.

"Obviously,...."
There was one thing I didn't think of....

"I'm 99% certain that I'll be driving for x next season"
It's 50-50

"I'm 95% certain that I'll be driving for x next season"
It's a real longshot

"We'd like to thank Driver X for his services this season"
He's a frigging tosser and we can't wait to get rid of him

"Driver X has a valid and binding contract with us, and we expect him to honour the contract"
We're frantically working the phones to see how much money somebody will pay us to take the obnoxious little s**t off our hands.

"We have a policy of supporting and developing young drivers through the junior formulae"
Anyone got Dan Wheldon's phone number?

"I believe I have a better chance of winning the title with BAR than with Williams."
I'd like to win a race, really .....

"We get along great as teammates"
I'm kicking his ass

"We are having some issues and we're not sharing data and I think it's an unhealthy environment within the team"
He's kicking my ass

"We had setup issues and I was never able to get the maximum out of the car"
I really messed up all weekend

"Team X is happy to announce that Brand Y is our title sponsor for 2006"
As long as the checks clear I couldn't care less what's on the car

"The team is confident that driver X will turn it around soon"
As soon as we get another driver lined up, driver X is out of the car

"This is my year"
If I was the only one racing this year, i'd win the championship

"We seem to be having some issues with our tires this weekend"
If they made condoms, I'd become celibate.

"We're a little down on horsepower, but manufacturer X is working hard on a new upgrade"
I'm worried about getting rear-ended by the medical car at the start of the race.

"In recent tests we have been focusing on the reliability of our car"
Nothing new we tested has worked, and no progress has been made.

"In our calculations the new radical aero of Team A would not work with our car design"
What the hell are they thinking?

"We changed back to the traditional looking aero package because with the new chassis version we have taken another design approach"
What the hell were we thinking?

"Our car lacks downforce at the moment but we're optimistic about finding a solution"
Our head designer/aerodynamicist has screwed up, and is about to be fired.

"We are quite confident that the new car/aero/engine package will work"
We haven't got a bloody clue if it will work and everybody in the team has their fingers crossed.

"We have not found optimal grip today for the track"
It's the goddamn tyres, blame them!

"We have not found a perfect setup today, but we hope to find it for qualifying"
My teammate is half a second faster than me with the same setup, let's hope he screws up in qualifying.

"We drove a lot of laps"
We remain confused.

"Our new engine version is 50hp more powerful and is more reliable than the old version"
No difference

"Driver X has been seen completely drunk and half-naked in public"
Driver X has taken a beer in public.

"I will not give up on the championship until it is mathematically out of reach"
The fight for it was already over couple races ago.

"Our long-term plan is to win championships"
We're going to be in the midfield for the next ten years.

"I am driving for the team"
I'm #2

"There is no number 2 in the team, our driver policy is 1A and 1B"
I'm #2

"We're having some handling difficulties"
Every time I drive at racing speed the car scares me witless

"This is not about money."
...though, incidentally, they will be paying me more.

"I don't care who my teammate is."
...as long as he doesn't beat me.

"I wasn't worried about reliability."
It's a bloody miracle the thing held together 'til the chequered flag.

"Of course I'm a bit disappointed but this is motor racing."
Right, that's seven mechanical DNFs this season. I'm changing teams.

"We should be stronger in the race."
Well, I should bloody well hope so. A Minardi just outqualified me.

"It's looking good for me at the moment but anything can happen."
I have a 59-point lead in the WDC with 6 races to go and my car hasn't had a mechanical failure since 1998.

"I don't know where I'll be next year."
My manager told me not to speak about this but damn I look good in red/pink/blue etc.

"I'm exploring my options for next year."
Call me. Someone. Anyone. Please. Pretty pretty please.

"It was a racing incident."
Looks like it might've been my fault actually.

"I think he was a little ambitious, trying to overtake there"
Jesus, where did he come from?

"I was a little slower out of the pitlane than I expected"
Ooops, the fuel rig’s still attached

"The atmosphere within the team is very positive"
I’m going up to visit Team X, even their food is better

"We’re going to have a quiet sit down to establish where we need to improve"
Screw you guys. You talk, I’m getting drunk

"We’re in the top 5% at the end-of-straight Speed Traps"
If only the damn thing would go ‘round the corners!

"I left him plenty of room…"
Never saw him

"This is my third season in F1"
And if I don’t get a decent race in soon, I’m gonna be a Minardi driver for life

"I think Monaco is a race that we all really enjoy"
Oooh, topless women on the yachts!

"He’s a great driver"
Haha, slower than me!

"He’s not a bad driver"
Dammit, how did he do that?

"We have an equal number one policy"
Our number two is blowing our chosen number 1 into the weeds

"Grand Prix racing is still a sport"
We've got a new sponsor who has no previous experience of motor racing

"He's got great talent"
Just look at the sponsorship he's bringing! And we can't afford Ralf, Jacques, David, Alex, Baumgartner, or whoever"

"I'm not criticising them."
I am criticising them.

"I'm not saying they didn't deserve it"
They didn't deserve it.

"We are in contact with other teams"
I once said hello to Peter Sauber in the pitlane.

"I was struggling with oversteer on entry and understeer on exit".
Why am I driving this pile of shit?

"If people start disregarding their contracts, that's bad".
Ha ha we’ve got him by the short and curlies. Now let's just tighten the screw a bit more.

"I couldn’t have got any more out of the car".
What do you expect when I’m driving this heap, flaming miracles?

"We were struggling for grip".
I just couldn’t be bothered today, maybe I’ll try harder tomorrow.

"I knew he was catching me towards the end, but I had everything under control".
Phew I’m glad he didn’t catch me, I’d have been toast.

"We have a good race stategy".
I messed up my qualifying lap.

"This is not a criticism of Toyota in any way".
This is a criticism of Toyota.

"... we have to be careful in Formula One that we don't end up with the team that spends the most money being the team that wins everything."
Now that the team isn't us.

"Then it is just a spending contest and not an engineering and driver contest."
They'll buy the engineers and drivers we bought from other teams

"I wish them every success".
I don't, really.

"But I think he will look at all his options and make that decision when he has to make it."
We're trying to get him cheap, but he wants big money.

"Unfortunately, we had some problems with Rubens’ car"
We'll eventually get around to looking at it if we have time. First we have to study Michael's data, have dinner, look for some local talent, and spend some time at the "relaxation" clubs.